Monday, May 18, 2009

Y3k Satanic Super Computer to team up with VH1 in 1999...!!!

Okay, so i try and put the bandanna on but then i look in the mirror and just cry because i know ill never be as cool these 80's bandanna extremists. I want to have the chance to be this cool one day but, i don't know how to acquire something of such awesome power. Please, can someone help me? I'm really really worried about this...Can you be that person to guide me into eternal bandannaness? Please, dear to my God. Please grant me the chance to experience this sickness.
Can you get pussy from Bandannas? I have a few people here that would beg to agree that the answer is 'yes.' Late 80's dambanna history. [He did it for the kids!!!11]

Weighing in at 156 pounds. He consists completely of extremely cut LA cocaine and Ho-zeh Queervo...Ladies and Gentlemen!
bret mr mr michaels
Now, this man has evidently had A. WAY too much fun as a rock the hole star and B. achieved complete and total financial freedom and last but not least...he has pulled Pamela Fuckin ANDERSON. Okay, so shes not the cleanest out there but, this was taken in the early 90's. -Pre Tommy Lee gentle warts era-

Rock of Love saved my life. I never thought that id be entertained by something so horrible in life. Hell, id have to say that this is worse than the mass genocide's in Africa, South America, and North Carolina. It's funny because a lot of bandannas come from African sweat shops. It's okay though if they make us look cool we'll probably like...drop food over their huts. See, America is pretty cool i guess. Iv got like atleast 3 or 4 guesses on who is the coolest around. Tell tall tell you the truth here...Id say that the hottest would be...........THIS bitch. Now that's the bitch UNDER the previous word 'this' for all you idiots.
rock of loverz
Okay, so what IF Bret Michael's was an Alien? I DONT think it be wise to put it past him. And even if you did...what could he did? Yea, NOPE. This mother fuckers got on more mascara than Tiffany, or Little Amy, or Christy-Christy...I dont know this horrible excuse for good 80s music's name...What's her name? Whats her mother fuckin naaame?
Okay, so IF Bret Michaels IS an Alien...How did it happen?
Okay, okay...Hold your crotches...I got the dl dude. Or for the completely absent minded...I GOT THE INFO ON HOW HE BECAME AN ALIEN DUDEZ!!111
So, one day Mr. Michael's was lathering his pegged little rock star eyes and he was abducted by what appeared to be an innocent old lady but was in fact was a killer clown sent from the year 2020 to stop the McRancher-Potato-Burger-Chips from being invented.
Keep penis clear of loppers.
killer clown
Keep penis clear of circus tint.
It seems the clown from year 2020 had an alternative motive that cannot seem to figure out.
If you wanted the whole world to laugh...Why could you have showered my house with big buds when i was in need super clown? I needed you and you weren't there. I am crying, like really really hard. My mascara is running. Do you see what you did to us? The makeup and myself are mad now.
Mr. Joker if i cant be happy then i want New York to be.
Not as cool as Bret Michael's mascara but it does give other people a run for their money. Like this bitch.
China: Satanic Super Computer stuck in wrestling simulation. In the past or future -where im from duh- they had a few glitches with the 101 models...they had over sized clitzzz and looks like Thore getting beaten with a 13 foot steal dildo.

Okay, i KNOW you want to believe...just bare with me please...I know this is crazy but, it works out for McDonnalds...Dont worry, they'll be here in 2020. Until year 2021 where they are bought out by the super human Graig. Graiglist takes over half the universe in year 2023 and by 2030 humans are sold as slaves and are wired to be live action internet search machines. They are doing your dirty work for you.

Polly Shore teams up with Graig and sends out a massive US red alert establishing his right to all the bandannas in the US. When the people refused it got even worse for them. not only could they not possess the power of the dambanna but they were forced to only have one style hat. This hat is here now.
All your bandannas are belong to VH1. Hell, i couldn't stop them back in 2019...i damn sure cant stop them now...They have taken over Craiglist and Polly Shore...VH1 has the humans (that are kept alive to work everyday jobs and pay their cable bills) watching VH1 all day in the new Cable Access Brain Implants...
When the humans were asked if they can turn the TV's off inside their heads they simply fumbled at the mouth and wept. Some even...soiled themselves. o_o Photobucket
Too tell you the truth lady i don't care if those ducks are all you have left. The ducks will be boiled alive in front of Ronald McDonnalds eyes. Its only right to sacrifice then for the sake of the McDonnald.
Okay so what if McDonnald did drop the bomb in 2020? You'd still fuckin eat it. You cannot deny that you are drawn from highways with billboards of the new McDonnald whore[s]...yea we got like 8 of em.
Evidently he is loving the SHIT outta the d-d-DONNALDz.
It's okay those things on the side of his face are his bisepts...Please, don't worry about him. He just needs to dipping sauce.
Personally, i like to stay away from the fast food. It's only OKAY...and you can just buy some scrapple from the store and eat that...HELL you don't even have to cook that shit. Just eat bitch. Put this fuckin Mcchickaaaaan in your fuckin MOUTH HO. DO IT NOW!
Okay, so that would be more appropriate for this picture i presume...
Whatever...This ^ proves my point of how the Donnald...isn't going anywhere. IM fuckin lovin it!
please big big women...will you suplex me? will you caress my restless mcdonny consuming body? Can i nestle in your victorious [incredibly big] secret under draws? I want to, i need this in my...i my face in your crotch mommy BBW.
Read disclaimer.
disclaimer. disclaimer. disclaimer. disclaimer.
please big big women...will you feed me fries one by one...
please big big women...can i lay upon your ham hawk?
please big big women...will you grant me internal explorations?
please big big women...wont you be my big round world?

^If this was money id be like 'Money,money,mmmooOOONNEEYYY!!"
Heston, has on Velcro shoes and some fuckin high waters with a members only jacket.
What a loser. He probably doesn't even know what a facebook is.

^-Look, I don't think holding the KG-9 like that is going to help...I mean, look at Jack Burton! Sure, he doesn't hit anything except that rock that knocks him out in the movie, but at least he doesn't LOOK like the KG-9 is giving him a hard time. Photobucket
You are a GEEZER dude. NranranranranranrA!
NRA to be the new starfleat of 2045!!!
star trek
Notice the 70's belly button rings. Odd.
Just stay away from the Donnald.
Stay very close to Steven Tyler.

I like you, seriously you're really cool...See im giving you the dl. Your out of this world! =) Keep on

Its okay if you get overwhelmed by this blog...Its natural to have emotions and feelings about bandannas, VH1, Polly Shore, or even Vince Mc's death. Just remember that you are not safe within your facebook world. You are not safe within your candy skittled room. Satanic Super Computer's are here to stay in 2030.

Sunday, May 17, 2009


Breaking news of an anonymous gurl or extremely gay guy trapped in a hater mind frame.
So, you were blinded by the hater-ness well, i want you to know that i do not hate you. =) You're my friend now.

Matt Payne definitely NOT hating^

Anti-haters are the freedom fighters against HATER oppression. I love haters, because without them, I would be out of my job.

Don't be alarmed, this drunk bitch is just warming up the blowjob apparatus.

Hey you see that!? YOU LEAVE MY MAN ALONE!

If hating were to be broken down into a more simple definition, male or female, the simplest way to describe such an anomaly is by two words. Drama Queen.

A drama queen is a type of attention whore, usually female and/or a goth, who is overemotional, exaggerative and prone to theatrical displays of hatred and melodrama. Their feelings range from ecstatic to suicidal, but rarely is there any middle-ground between these two extremes.

The interesting factor in the case of the psycLOLgy of the female drama queen, is that the amount of drama they generate on the internet is always directly inverse to the amount of drama surrounding them in real life. Everything becomes serious fucking business. Thus, such a mundane event as, say, opening a bag of Doritos, triggers drama of massive, epic vortex-like proportions, pulling all and sundry into it's black hole-like grasp when posted to the LiveJournal or blog of the drama queen in question and will usually include such parameters as:

  • The crinkle of the bag opening caused her to get into a fight with her boyfriend (or parents if a basement dweller ), and said confrontation escalating to the point of physical/sexual abuse, broken furnishings and the possible buggering of any small animals within reach. The reality is that she was asked to keep the crinkling down because her baby brother/sister just went down for a nap.
  • Caused her to have an attack of massive self doubt regarding her weight and/or her placement in the capitalist system as a consumer whore for brand name products, which invariably results in a youtube "confession", usually with much sniffling, mascara that has been streamed by tears and unintelligible breaks in speech. Warning: May also be accompanied by really bad goth/emo "poetry", if said drama queen is of that persuasion.
  • Failing any creativity, will be linked with an "odd or unexplained" occurrence in her vicinity, such as at the precise moment the bag was opened, the lights flickered and an odd scraping was heard in the walls of the room. This will be especially true if said drama queen is a member of an internet community that deals with unexplained phenomena.
Dealing with such haters and drama queens is tough work but it can be rewarding.

protip: leave such dealings for professionals

Like the drama lama


Beer and OMG HEADSHIT SHOOOOTTZ!!!!11 yallzapiece -of freshman college bullshit-

Okay, so I got mad at this kid's full beer being spilled on me...I'm in a chair and then this kid, who had been sleeping by the keg prior to this debacle, falls over some how lets my shirt get in touch...with his beer.
SO, being the man I am, I get mad in front of the whole party and say, "Come on man what the fuck!?' DUUUUDE COME ON BROOOOO!!!!1!!1 But of course it's okay cuz its not HIS shirt, not to mention the fact that HE is too drunk to even say "excuse me" or "I'm sorry" instead his DIEHARD friends tell me i need to leave. haha "YEAH, We'll we're ____'s friend and we want you to leave!" "YEA! I want you to LEAVE bud! take that!"

Get real....
-this is me getting real...with you-

At this point I look around the room and observe the glory and aw of what was once a beautiful party, has now been turned into a complete hate YOU fest.
-How I felt once that GUY poured a beer over me while bitches screaming in his support. Haha WHATBITCHEZ.
From the minute I had beer put on me i was the victim....Of course my buddy is going to defend me (Thanks friend) but, that's not even good enough. The amount of cooth_Zero. The amount of absent minded...ness, 100%. I wish you all a horrible morning you piece of shit party goers. You are the epitomy of everything that is wrong with society. But, its okay because I didn't throw up...I LOVE watching kids drink and drink and talk shit and then throw up while urinating themselves in agony. What a bitch you are. I wish you the worst hangover any man or women has even undergone. I hate you Ron Burgendy, I HATE YOU!
will farrel

Yeah, take that.

Okay, so you've had too much to drink? This is what you need to do. Got get a bowl and some weed. Hit that. (CuzI'd hit that) Then go get your boys to hold you in the air for a KEEEGGSTTTAAANND HEYYOOOO. (Cuz id do that too)
But, whoa...were you just peer pressured? Come ooooon, its okaaaayy right guys? Just hit it dude...Just drink it.

Lets have BEER...ALL NIGHT....and theeeenn....have SHOTS...-OMGHEADSHOT SHOOOOOTTTZZZZ-
Rest your restless eyes my lady. My lady, my lady, my lady, my lady...You have rendered yourself incapable.
"Well, i don't want her to drown in the puddle of McRancher-potato-Burger."
When people do stuff like this...It makes me wanna SMACK 'EM. yea sheee...SMACK 'EM!
little caesar

Ill pass. I'm not dumb. I'm drunk and at the party trying to stealing your girlfriend. Look,
I'm sorry if they just keep walking up to me. I seriously was walking away from girls and they would soon follow after no matter where I was.


What a guy. =D =P Look, just don't let THIS be you at the next WORST SPEAKER PARTY EVER.

yallzapiece of work.
Despite the circumstances, I did have a blast. The people were all genuinely nice to me, assuming that they don't know of my...condition.

Okay, so this is NOT my condition. WHATEVER. That mouse broke the bank. I HAD to steal him from the pet store. WE HAVE GOT TO SAVE THOSE LITTLE BABIES!!!!11111

Over and out.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

STOP Being Amazed by tripping!

Poem by: Math You All In Payne...
Intro: Life hurts me sometimes...
Stop being amazed by tripping. You're stupid. Stop being amazed by tripping. You broke a chair and fell on the ground last night at 2:30 in the morning looking like a complete idiot. Stop being amazed by tripping. You're gay. Stop being amazed by tripping. What is more amazing? Stop being amazed by tripping. I was done with that by 17. Stop being amazed by tripping...You have rendered yourself incapable.
Stay the fuck away from my car.

whoah this is liek soooooooo trippy man
^You after talking your friends fuckin ear off about how hard you're tripping. What a loser. We're all laughing at you.

"Wher's jimmy man?"

I found Jimmy. I rolled Jimmy. I smoked Jimmy.
hippieHallucinogenics are key to losing all sense of reality...and respect. Sure, Jimmy Page did it man! But, now hold up their baby Jimmy's in training. Their is too many blotters and not enough people! It's time to go...where no cheap-sk8 has ever gone b4. Ace Hardware. For garden tools? No siiiiir. Tisk tisk. We're going to Ace for the Morning Glory seeds! Yes, the fun and exciting hours of intense nazzziea....Make sure you have...

  • Head phones. To drown out your repetitive friend who wants you to know how hard he is
  • Chips. (Most likely you'll be wanting McButter Ranch chips from McDonnaldz.) Chips not yet invented by man yet, yet.
  • Gallon milk jug refilled with Orange Juice and a whole bottle of 512 mg of Vitamin C so you can shit your ass off till 6 in the morning watching a spelling b on ESPN while tripping and you cannot come down till you go into work the next day at Target only to fold clothes for 7.50 an hour. Your are a teenage piece of shit my fine sir. You are a teenage piece of work. You are on your way to becoming a live action retired trip star.
  • Planet Earth, the complete series.
Lil Wayne
Some hustlers are trap stars...and would shove crack rocks into their own asshole...Not washing their little hustler hands. You are a trip star... and could go for a nice glass of bananaroo, the softer side of NIN, and Radiohead.
Oh, and blotters being stuffing into your butt doesn't have the same affect as crack rocks wrapped in plastic. Remember that...or don't and have the ride of your life. Or the ride of the blotters life. 6 Million things to stuff...choose one.
When Jeezy said that he merged from the crack smoke...Well, you merged from your moms hippy vagina.
Some of you don't even realize how you're destined to be long haired pot smoking Unitarian mother or father that is used to being forced to watch Broke Back Mountain with your Wino of a wife. You have now been destined to fail. Warning. Ship is crashing in 10 point 5 years.
Hippie Hitler
I think you need to get the Planet Earth out for this one dog. Listen, I'm gunna need about 16 OZ of Mcbutter Ranch potato deep friend chips. But, are you REALLY going to need all that? Are you even hungry at all? What IS food...and more importantly WHY is it here on planet earth?
See, you have already been had by a live action retired trip star. Over the years of dealing with myself drooling and sometimes actually eating bark off a tree, iv come to realize that tripping (although funny and usually educational) can lead to bad things. Hell, what happened to the days of stealing packs of triple diple C's and stuffing 12 to 16 of then in my stomach just so i could enjoy Led Zeppelinz THAT much more. As, a live action retired trip star...I want it back to be honest. The life of no perception of time. No sense of where...the fuck you are dude. Because how many honests can we really have here? Don't lie. Lets say we all had......Anyway. If you treat them good then you'll be okay. But, they will always be with you. Poor kids treat them wrong the first time and dont know how to unlock the madness. Poor guy. Little buddy. Your so on your own.
brain damage
"Huh...Where am i?"
"Um, sir you were found in a Walmart parking lot trying to close yourself in with shopping carts. You are now in Wake Med, and once your condition has shown improvement then we can move you into Holly Hill."

Yea, see...You're a royal fuck up now...cant even hold down a job without flipping out and heading to the supply room for 'thumb tacks' but really your in there shoving blotters up your ass -Due to your recent tango with the law, you found that sticking them...IS THE WAY TO GO. Way to go buddy. Just look at you...Do you another one. Just dont be around me, fucker.

You are worthless.
Can i get a hit of that dude? THAT IS ALL.

The Jimmy.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I think I want to become a WWE wrestler

No television experience is finer than shirtless, oiled-up men with mullets and over-tanned skin, dry humping each other in front of a crowd of inbreds. But I've always wondered how fun it would be to actually be one of those guys. They are definitely badass and drink a lot of beer, two things that I know I can do. I've always wanted to be part of a weekly soap opera, showing off my violent tendencies in front of an audience whose pure exports are wife beating and cellulite.


While I know awesome wrestlers like triple H are indeed using steroids, I don't think I would use them. I'd rather be the most legit wrestler possible using anything that I can to dispose of my enemies, including steel chairs and small teenage bystandards.

My favorite part of watching WWE is listening to the announcers. They are the best as far as any sport goes, always keeping the viewer hyped. They are just really chill guys who love their job, and it's evident.

"OH MY GOD!!!"

The Future of wrestling.

Triple H is a Godsend

He also is a huge Conan fan.

Triple H is living proof that fucking the boss (and his daughter) and having the resulting retard kids can be great for business. Also, he's just a chill bro who loves to rock out to Motorhead while totally not doing steroids or kissing Vince McMahon's ass. Any young and upcoming wrestler would be well-advised to stay out of his way if they ever hope of having a successful career. His favorite hobbies include shooting up steroids, banging Stephanie McMahon, and holding back your favorite wrestlers through backstage politics.

OK...This is NOT the kind of wrestling I'm talking about.

Vince McMahon

Anyways, all in all working for vince would be pretty fun. He's just a chill dude that's just havin fun. He doesn't even care if he makes himself look bad. It's all business and when it comes to business he's the man. Vince pissed a lot of people off by pretending to have been blown up inside his limo, faking his death. This pissed off wrestling fans as they saw it as making fun of wrestlers who'd actually died. Vince eventually pulled out of his fake death and bought his daughter fake tits to make up for the bad joke.

Stone Cold Steve Austin
Quite Possibly the most famous beer drinker alive, Stone Cold Steve Austin is one of WWE's most famous heroes! He's known for forcing beer bashes upon other wrestlers and destroying anyone who stands in his way. His special is the stone cold stunner, and just like the beer he drinks, it leaves his adversaries STUNNED.

PBR Sales went up 60% among WWE fans because of Stone Cold.

Now that you know how awesome wrestling is you might want to become a pro wrestler too!


And THAT ladies and gentlemen, IS THE BOTTOM LINE!